


I'm only human, after all.

by skyblue993



Series: Jonnor oneshots [20]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Jonnor - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 16:14:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8674045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue993/pseuds/skyblue993
Summary: I'm on twitter: En_sky9Tumblr :skyblue993Kudos and comments are always appreciated :D





	1. Chapter 1

 

Jude was walking down the isle, that infamous day. As he was about to marry the man he’s been with for the past ten years, his whole life started flashing before his eyes just like a broken record, filling his mind with bittersweet memories.

Lena squeezed gently his forearm as to snap him back from that unconscious state of haze as they finally reached the end of the aisle.

Jude smiled as he kissed both of his moms cheeks. He turned around and found the eyes have been starring the most of his sweetest dreams.

“Hey.” He mouthed softly, meeting the most blinding smile in return.

He took his fiancè’s hand and turned to face the priest that was going to perform their ceremony.

As the priest started talking about _respect_ and _love_ and being _faithful_ to each other till death do they apart... well, he started feeling cold sweat running down his forehead.

He couldn't blame himself. He was going to get married to the man he loved. He expected to faint, considering how sensitive he felt about weddings. It was all normal. He felt a light squeeze and smile to the source of that warmth, always capable of dissipating every fear, every doubt with just a touch of his hand.

His fiancè didn’t miss a beat. He pronounced his vows with such ease and calm that left Jude breathless. He was never going to pronounce his own vows with the same calm, or without stuttering, or utter the words out in the first place.

He realized he was gaping at air when he met a quite worried pair of hazel eyes looking back at him.

“J-Jude?”

“Son. You okay?”

Jude turned to look at the priest. He shook his head as to clear it and pronounce a feeble. “Y-yeah. Sorry. I-It’s just.. this moment is important and I don’t want to mess it up.”

“Son.” The priest whispered with a sardonic tone. “ _There’s only a way you could mess this up.”_

Jude’s eyes fluttered close as he breathed out a feeble. “I’m ready.”

“Jude Adams Foster..”

Jude’s eyes were locked with the _hazel_ ones as he listened to those words that clicked something in him as being pronounced. It felt like a door, in the most hidden spot in Jude’s heart, was bursting open. Memories started flooding through his mind that despite being just that, _fragments of his past_ , still hurt like hell.

He saw _eyes_ and _smiles_ that-- Jude hadn’t noticed before-- but looked painfully _familiar_ but still not the same.

He stared into his fiancè’s intense gaze and Jude suddenly felt his sight going blurry for a moment. He blinked and he wasn’t really that surprised to see glimpses of a familiar face just before his eyes.

The boy’s eyes were warm and lighter than he’d ever seen. Jude wondered it had to do something with the particular day, or the light beaming through the colorful mosaic window that stood just before their eyes and that seemed to bring so many colors into their _hearts_ in that moment.

Jude wondered if that was a sign. It probably was. No one was moving after all and it had to be one his daydreams, the kind of ones that was meant to make him reflect on before a big life changing decisions.

He looked around and Everyone was frozen still. Jude’s eyes skipped beats when his eyes met Lena’s pained expression.

She had her hands clasped in her lap as to cling to something _, hope_ maybe?

Hope for what? Jude wondered. Then, His gaze flickered to Stef her eyes were fixed on his fiancè’s direction. She was looking at him with sadness flashing across her features as she was sorry for _him._ She was biting her lip and one of her hand was resting on top of Lena’s. They both looked like they were waiting for the final judgement.

he found himself looking (Just out of curiosity) at everyone else’s expression and Jude noticed that no one looked happy for him; more like sympathetic, sad, resigned, _pitiful._

Something shifted within him, something buzzing in his chest. It was probably his self-consciousness suggesting him to search for his own heart.. so Jude asked himself the dreaded questions he never dared to say out loud.

 _Did he want to?_ Yes. Of course, he wanted to. Jude was happy. He wanted to get married. He wanted to have a colorful happy life with his husband.

 _Was he ready?_ Yes. Absolutely yes. He was tired of waiting. He was thirty-one and it was time to start a family.

The last one was always the most challenging: Was _he_ the man of his life?

Jude’s eyes flickered to the boy’s, and it only took one look into those eyes deep and clear like melted caramel to find the answer he was looking for.

 

_I can lie to myself but I can't lie to my heart._

 

“Do you take C—“

Jude’s eyelashes fluttered to his cheeks as he gulped. _“No.”_

He expected the loud general gasping and gossiping echoing through the church but it still made his stomach ache.

“W-what do you say?”

This time it was the boy’s voice that snapped him back into reality and despite feeling like the world was crumbling behind his feet, Jude had to take the fall.

“ _I can’t do this.”_

He let those tears he’d been fighting back since that morning to finally slide down his cheeks.

No one dared to say a word not even the priest that was gaping at the painful exchange with eyes blown wide. He’d probably seen scenes like those in movies, apparently considering the shock on his face.

“B-but, w-why?” The boy’s voice sounded broken as he kept stuttering. “I..I t-thought we were happy.”

“I was.” Jude didn't know how to do this without breaking anyone's heart. He knew it was impossible and he thought he deserved to feel like utter shit. _“I am._ Y-you did nothing wrong.” He felt his hand falling down at his sides being dropped by the boy standing across from him. “It’s not your fault and I know this really sound like the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me.” But I swear, Cameron. It’s true, cause it’s not your fault that my heart is still so impossibly tied to someone else’s.”

“You’re such a—“

A soft cough made him think twice before calling Jude ‘asshole.’ In a church.

“You can say it.” Jude said. _“It’s not a bad word_ if used in this contest. I think God knows it, too.”

He threw a quick look at his moms and they both still looked worried, but more relaxed as a huge weight had been lifted off their shoulders. Jude kind of felt the same, well except for the waves of guilt flooding through his whole body. In particular when Cameron said, voice broken and thick with tears. “All I’ve ever done was love you.”

Jude's heart broke a little more in his chest if that was even possible for someone to break any further.

“I loved you too.. even if you may not believe me, right now.”

“I don’t!” Cameron grunted with gritted teeth. “The most selfish part of me really wishes you to experience this kind of pain, you know? Y-You don't know what it feels like to be this close to spending the rest of your life with the one you love and being ripped it off your hands like that, literally in the blink of an eye."

Jude’s breath hitched at the sharp edge in Cameron’s voice. His hazel eyes bitter and full of resentment but Jude couldn’t really blame him. Not in the slightest. “But.. this is the hurt talking because I loved you, Jude. I-I fuck. I _still love you_ and you’ve ruined me. Y-you’re taking a part of me with yourself and I.. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.”

“You will.” Jude cried out reaching for his hands once again. He couldn’t allow Cameron to think that was just _it._ That his life was over. He couldn’t let go Connor without pulling down all the walls he’d built around himself, without fighting one last time for him. He had at least to try, just one more time. "I get that you're upset and angry, right now but please.. Cameron. Just because I've done this to you, don't close yourself off to love. Believe me when I say that I've not spent all these years thinking about  _him when I was with you._ "

Cameron gave a snort as to call bullshit, but that didn't discourage Jude so he went on his speaking. "I just realized that I can't lie to myself but not to my feelings and I found myself realizing that  _it was just it._  I would have married you and I would have spent the rest of my life without him and.. I will probably, but I want to at least try. “

"Okay." Cameron sighed, turning to look at his mother. She was devastated, crying and sniffing and sobbing some more. "I guess I'll drown my problems with the champagne I've bought in occasion of our first wedding night." 

He was trying to sound playful and calm but his voice was trembling, probably on the verge of bursting out in tears right in front of him. "I'll go. Bye, Jude. Have a nice life and as future bits of advice. Don't break up with someone two minutes before marrying them, because I can promise you.. there's a circle in hell for people like you."

The priest coughed once again as to correct that assertion but Cameron just quickly strode out of the church.

"That's not entirely true." the priest whispered in Jude's ear two minutes later. 

 

 Jude gladly appreciated the silence filling the car ride to his house that until Mariana decided to break the silence. "Are you going to run into Connor's arms, right now?"

"Mariana!" Lena chastised with severe tone. The girl just rolled his eyes, ignoring her mama's murdering glare and leaning to whisper into Jude's ear. 

"Keep your tuxedo on, just like in the most romantic love movies."

 "Mariana stop pressing your brother to--"

"Stop the car."

"What?!"  
  
"Stop the car!" Stef pulled the car over.. surprise, surprise! Connor's father house. 

"You're not seriously going in there." Mariana gasped with eyes blown wide, a look of absolute shock flashing across her features.

_"Oh, I'm so going to."_

"Jude.. you can't just show up after what? Eleven years?"   
  
"One." Jude corrected with a sad smile quirking on his lips. A soft, regretful sigh escaping his lips.

"Say what? One? Have you seen him, last year? When? How?!" 

"Mariana.." 

"Tell me, you heathen!" 

"Mariana!" Stef and Lena both groaned in frustration. Their daughter was a menace for the human kind.

"Nothing happened," Jude promised with a firm voice that started to break as he was met by Lena, Stef, and Mariana's quizzical looks, so his voice broke a little as he revealed. " _Nothing that shouldn't have happened._ We just talked."

"About what, exactly?" Mariana asked with a confused expression written all over her face. Jude just blushed, unable to reveal anything about that night that he'd kept into the darkest corner of his heart, erased it from his memory until that moment. "Oh my God. _You slept with him_!"  
  
Jude's mouth fell open as he uttered a loud 'No!' that startled the three women sitting in the car with him. "W-We didn't. I would have never done that to Cameron." Jude admitted through a loud sigh, a pink blush creeping over his cheeks. "B-But w-we had a moment and I.. I thought, Just for a minute t-that was it. B-But nothing happened, I swear. I would have never cheated on Cameron. I-I'm not that person."

 

"We know, honey," Lena says sweetly. "We know you."

Jude smiled weakly before unbuckling his belt, a look of determination and fear flashing across his eyes. " _Now or never."_

"Good luck, hon."

Mariana gave him a soft squeeze on his arm which Jud returned with a smile. "Thanks."

 

He watched the car strode away and then he turned around, frozen for a moment just a few feets away from his biggest dream and nightmare.

He walked to the door with heart pounding hard in his chest, both because of the anticipation of the moment and also because of the white lie he told his moms and sister in the car. 

He couldn't admit what truly happened, besides.. it was more like an omission than a lie.

They asked the wrong question after all.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't realize that someone had opened the door. 

"Jude?"

Jude was on the verge of a stroke as he gave a nod of his head, feeling bile rising up in his throat at the sight of his young, unforgettable first love.

"Hi, Connor."

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“What are you doing here?”

Jude trailed his gaze downwards. He couldn’t face Connor as he answered that question.

What could he say to him in response, anyway?

Some pretty good explanations flooded through his mind at the moment, but none could explain how he felt in the most Accurate and honest way.

He loved him, plain and simple. It wasn’t that hard to come to that realization. Jude Adams Foster could just surrender to his fate. He needed, _wanted_ , Connor back.

A tense silence fell on them. The only audible sound was the sound of their soft breaths.

“What are you doing in a tux?”

Jude’s eyes met Connor’s and saw hurt flashing across his eyes because Connor knew why he was wearing a tuxedo, that day. He just wanted to hear it from Jude.

“Technically. it’s my wedding day.”

Connor tried to cover the short intake of breath leaving his lips through a soft cough, but every attempt was weak and unnecessary.  
Jude had known him for the most part of his life.

He just knew when Connor was suffering and he was, in that moment, feeling his heart being cut in half in his chest. Jude could see it just looking at him in the eyes.

“Congratulations,” Connor said and when Jude shook his head in response Connor’s eyes widened in shock.

“I didn’t.” Jude exhaled, lowering down his gaze. “I couldn’t.”

Connor didn’t dare to ask, in that moment, what held him back. Why didn’t he go through with the wedding.. was he.. was he still in love with him?

“I see.”

Jude looked up and met Connor’s unreadable expression. “Talk to me..” he asked him with soft, trembling voice. “I, I need to know what’s going through your head, right now.”

Connor sighed as he sat down on the stairs of his front porch. Jude sat next to him. They weren’t touching but it felt like they were. Their shoulders were this close to touching and despite the revival need to lean in, Jude didn’t.

He gave Connor the space he needed. They sat in silence for the longest ten seconds of Jude’s life, then Connor finally spoke.

“I’m confused.”

Jude expected that.

“I mean.. I have pretty much an idea of why are you here but... I don’t understand..”

Jude sighed. “Are you referring to last year?”

Connor blushed softly in response, giving a soft nod of his head.

Jude had traveled for work to Santo Domingo, the previous year. He’d been gone from home for ten days in which, he hated to admit, he finally found himself again.

Things were pretty hectic at home and work and Jude needed some air, some space.

Cameron wouldn’t shut up about getting a house together and Jude agreed cause, hell, they’d been together for nine years. It was time for the next step and they both were ready for it. But the thing is.. Cameron sort of stressed him out about condos hunting and interior design and It was just too much, for Jude.

He’d gone to Santo Domingo for work and on the first night, he met Connor Stevens at the same restaurant.

Jude couldn’t believe it. He refused to believe it.

“Connor?”

“Jude?”

Jude expected anger and hurt to come back to the surface at the sight of his first, unforgettable love that took his heart and took it away with him to LA at the tender age of thirteen but none of that happened because They both couldn’t refrain the smile forming on their lips at the sight of one another.

“It’s been a while.”

Jude smiled and felt his cheeks getting warm for some reasons.

“Yeah.”

Connor asked him if he would like to join him for dinner and Jude found surprisingly easy to slip back into that comfort zone with Connor.

They laugh and cheers and reminisced old memories.

“It has been good to see you.”

Jude said before getting up from the table. Connor stood up as well, walking past the table and wrapping Jude into a brief hug.

Jude’s eyes fluttered close for a moment wondering why he felt like his body was about to combust.

He blamed it on the wine they had for dinner.

“Take care, Jude.”

Jude watched him walking out of the huge restaurant hall and he didn’t even try to dislodge his eyes from Connor’s frame.

As he was somehow following Jude’s train of thoughts, Connor turned around to look at him one more time, before opening the door. His lips quirked up in a soft smile that mirrored Jude’s.

“Bye, Connor.”

Jude whispered to himself after watching Connor walking out of that door.

For whatever reason, Jude couldn’t sleep that night. He texted Cameron goodnight (he was too tired to call him.) and spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling.

When he finally drifted off to sleep, that night, He saw hazel eyes behind his closed eyelids.. the ones he was not supposed to dream, anymore.

They met again, two nights after that. Connor asked him if he wanted to join him for dinner and Jude once again accepted.

This time it was Jude that hugged him before going on separate ways. Connor’s hand was impossibly warm on his shirt, the heat radiating through his whole body, making him shiver into Connor’s arms.

He gave a soft sigh against Connor’s shoulder before pulling away from him.

“I’m in the mood for a walk on the beach.”

Connor’s eyes filled with hope. “Mind if I join you?”

Jude smiled softly as he shook his head. “Absolutely not.”

They walked in silence for a couple of kilometers, that until Jude sat down on the sand.

Connor gave a low chuckle before sitting down next to him.

“Do you remember that time I chased you on the rock?”

Jude couldn’t help but giggle. “I felt so bad afterward.. you were on crutches. You could have gotten hurt because of me.”

Connor sighed before brushing Jude’s hand with his own. “You were worthy of climbing any rocks. I would have climbed the Everest on my crutches, for you.”

Jude turned his face to look at Connor’s face as he said those words. He needed to check if he was serious.

“You mean it.” Jude realized absent-mindedly. Connor let out a strangled snort. “Of course I mean it. You still won’t believe me?”

“I’ve always believed you.”

Connor’s eyes were focused on waves crashing against the sand. His voice came out deep and filled with bitterness.

“Have you ever wondered what would have happened if I never left?”

“Yeah..” Jude had been thinking about it for the following years that followed their breakup, wondering every single day what would have been like.

Connor turned to look at him. There were fear and fragility in his eyes and features. His voice was incredibly low-pitched and full of wonder.

“Do you think we would be together? Right now, I mean..”

Jude shrugged as a hollow smile spread on his lips.

“I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that we would have been together, right now.”

“W-we can fix that.”

Jude’s mouth fell open in surprise, his heart raced in his chest. “W-what do you mean?”

“Us.” Connor said. “We can fix what we’ve broken.”

Jude closed his eyes as he let the warm breeze washing over him.

“I have a boyfriend, Connor. I..I can’t do this to him.”

“D-do you love him?”

“I do.”

“Do you still love me?” Connor asked him wholeheartedly and Jude didn’t know how to deal with that because what he’d been praying for the most part of his teenage years had gone to reality but at the wrong timing.

Jude’s voice burst in a pained moan. “I do.”

“I think. I think we can do this, Jude. I.. I think we can do things right this time.”

Connor moaned in pain when Jude’s eyes started filling with tears. “Don’t cry..”

“Y-you have no idea how much I’ve waited for this moment to happen.”

Connor wiped the wetness underneath Jude’s eyes as he said. “It’s happening, right now.”

Connor’s soft words did nothing but made Jude feel ten thousand times worse. He kept crying, unable to stop at the thought of having the conversation with Cameron.

“I c-can’t.”

“Because you’re scared or because you don’t want me?”

Connor was his first love and first loves are something people never forget.

It had always been there, in the darkest corner of his heart. He’d always been part of him and here he was, willing to fix what had been broken and Jude... _Jude had someone waiting for him at home._

Jude couldn’t bring himself to answer that question.

Cameron made him happy. Cameron healed his damaged heart with his soft smile and bright eyes. _Cameron didn’t deserve this._

“I can’t do this to him.”

Connor let go of Jude’s hand. “So that’s just it? You’re willing to be with someone even if that means neglect your own happiness?”

Jude’s heart couldn’t sink any lower at those words sharp like a knife but never been truer.

“He makes me happy. He doesn’t deserve this. Y-you mean the world to me, Connor but.. I can’t d-do this to him, I’m so sorry, Connor. I’m.. I’m so s-sorry.”

Connor’s arms wrapped around his shoulders and let Jude cry against his chest. He was still sobbing when Connor’s heard muffled words against his shirt.

“What?”

Jude sniffed softly before meeting Connor's mesmerizing eyes. "Can you kiss me? One last time?"

Connor searched for hesitation in Jude's eyes but he found none. He was serious. Jude wanted him to kiss him, one last time.

"It's okay if you don't want to.." 

Connor shook his head as to clear it from the voices that were _screaming_ at him all the reasons why it was such a bad idea. _"I want to."_

 

 

“I know it’s late.” Jude said with broken voice. “It’s been a year since then and.. I’m aware that I turned you down, so many times I’ve honestly lost count.”

“I hurt you, too.” Connor’s hand reached for his own. Jude happily clasped them together on his knee.

“We hurt each other and the thought of hurting someone else.. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t brave enough to fight for my own happiness and I ended up hurting Cameron, a lot more. _Hurting the both of_ us.. _a lot more._ ”

Connor nodded as he rested his head against Jude’s shoulder.

“He deserves happiness.” Connor said. “But You do too. We all do.”

“I want that with you.” Jude watched Connor’s head slowly lifting up until their noses were brushing.

“If you still want that..”

Connor smiled as he spoke softly against Jude’s lips.

“How I’m supposed to say no? You’ve called off a wedding because of me. .. That’s like _the epitome of romance_. .”

Jude gave a low chuckle; his eyes flickering to Connor’s tongue wetting his lips. _“It has always been you.”_  Jude breathed against his lips before closing the gap between them.

He kept kissing the man he was going to run towards the sunset with, for the rest of his life, until their lips were numb and swollen.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on twitter: En_sky9
> 
> Tumblr :skyblue993
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated :D


End file.
